Dear Emmeline,

Today was day 2 of single-child-hood. You're still lovin' it, and still asking far too many question.

It was a productive day though, with getting product photography done for my Etsy shirts. I'm not sure if poses like this should make me proud or ashamed or something in between. Where in the world did you ever learn this?

Not from me, I can assure you, although I am guilty of occasionally saying "Work it, work it!". It's part of my job as a photographer, you know?





On a positive note, sample Fourth of July shirts are stitched, photographed and soon to be loaded and I have you my dear to thank for that! You're such a wonderful little helper, complete with decorating the wagon to perfection.



Something tells me that the brothers aren't going to be nearly as cooperative when it's their turn to "Work it, work it".

I love you my princess.

Dear Emmie,

What a fun day we had today... I think you could get used to some one on one time with Momma every so often! With the oldest 3 off fishing with Dad and Hudson spending time with Brump and Sue, you had the stage all to yourself.

I've got to be honest...

I didn't realize that you asked so many questions!!!!! I think having a bunch of siblings to field an occasional question has somewhat skewed my perception.

You are such a curious little thing!

During our errands today, I admit to a bit of trickery to turn your attention away from the relentless questioning. This pinwheel did the trick. It was pure magic when we got home and you took it out to the sandbox and occupied you for no less than two hours. Not bad for $1!



I love you like crazy. Why? Because you're so stinking cute.

xoxo,
Momma

Dear Friends,

If you have a moment and you feel so inclined, would you mind leaving a comment of support or a "like" here?

After much prodding from my sister and her friend, I have entered a photo into Joby's "Dad in His Natural Habitat" photo contest.



They'll choose 10 people to win one of their amazing GorillaPods based on the following criteria:

"Winners will be chosen for best composition, subject matter and aesthetics. Popularity will be a factor - the number of times an image is "liked" will be taken into consideration."

Can I just tell you how long I've wanted one of these?



And without further ado, here is the photo that I entered:



So will you do it? Will you like me?

xoxo

Dear Kids,

It will be a long time before I forget the fun we had today... Today was the day that you got to cash in your coins for your scripture studying and we took the much anticipated bus ride down to Boise State for a round of bowling.

Remember how when we first got down to the bus stop, you were all so eagerly awaiting the bus inside of the little shelter? Remember how I kept freaking out that it was far too close to the road, even though Dad was standing right next to the shelter, assuring me that he wouldn't let any of you out of the shelter?




But then the bus was late and the fun of waiting for the bus came to an end and we had to look for other ways to amuse ourselves.





Until you finally all just plopped down on the grass to wait while watching the cars drive past.



And then the bus finally came and we were really excited to find out that in addition to being FREE because Dad and I have a Boise State ID, you guys were free as well. I happen to think that the bus driver just thought we were quite possibly the most normal crowd on the bus, so he let you ride for free just for the novelty of the whole thing.

I used the time on the bus wisely and grabbed a picture of the toothless wonder. Corban's been losing them like they're going out of style lately.



We finally made it to Boise State for bowling, where Austin met us. Aus - I was a little bit nervous about you riding the bus from Brump and Sue's house all by yourself, but you handled it with no problem. I'm proud and sad, all in the same moment.

And then we bowled, to various degrees of success.











And then Emmeline was so tired out from all of THIS action:



that she fell asleep on my lap on the way home. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time that she will fall asleep with her head on my chest, and then I was sad and happy, all at the same time. That happens a lot to me lately.

$1.50 bowling + free shoe rental + free bus adventure = 5 happy kids

And now I've stayed up too late to write this... I intended to sleep much sooner, but when it's quiet, I think of the twins. Maybe because Austin rode the bus by himself today or maybe because Em's getting too big to fall asleep in my lap, but I think of the babies and I cry for what we're missing. So I finish today's story instead of sleeping, so that I can be reminded that even though unemployment stinks and my heart still hurts, I have a very full and beautiful life because of your Dad and the five of you.

Thank you Hudson for always having something on your face, thank you Austin for being so responsible, thank you Sara Jane for being such a wonderful and creative big sister, thank you Corban for that jack o'lantern smile that makes me laugh, thank you Emmeline for stretching my imagination with such deep and provocative questions as "Why da sun can't be shaped wike a heart?". I love you little turkeys.

xoxox

Dear Mom,

I sure do love you and I don't even mind being your own personal sweatshop for those cute little bags that you're taking to your quilt guild bazaar, but we're going to have to talk about the hurricane that is also known as you lining up fabrics for the applique work.




On a lighter note, I am loving the flip flop applique and therefore finished up the rest of the bags in various combinations of flip flop fabric finery. You'll love them. Now come get them and your hurricane off of my kitchen table.



I love you.

Dear Austin,

I know that you won't understand this now, but when you're grown and have children of your own, you'll know how much it means to a parent to see a moment like this:



Who knows what time you were all up and at it on this morning, because it was fairly early in the day that I found you all out back in various stages of pajamas and clothes. When I peeked out the window and saw that you had engaged everyone in a rousing game of musical chairs, I wanted to cry... Not because I was sad, but because I was so very proud of you. It means so much to me to watch you play with the kids. Can you see how much they love you? It's almost as much as I love you, my big baby boy.

You'll go so far in life Austin. I know that you'll find happiness because you already know that the secret is to create happiness for those around you. I've seen that what you've learned from the unemployment is that the only thing you can count on at the end of the day is the gospel and your family's love. What more do you need?



How I desperately wish that you weren't 14. I hope that we've had enough time... I wish that I had all the days in the world to keep you here as my son, because I love you so much. I remain convinced that motherhood is the only work in the world where if you are doing a good job, your heart breaks a little more each day.

I love you.

- Mom

Dear Corban,

Remember when we went to the zoo this week and you decided to study the snow leopard? As I watched you write down your observations, I caught a brief reminder of how special you are - how studious, curious and bright your mind is.



I am so proud to be your mom.

Back to Blogging

But shaking things up... I don't want to blog for others, I don't want to blog for recognition, I don't want to blog for profit. I want to blog to celebrate the ordinary things that make up this mostly beautiful life of mine. I want to blog for my kids, I want to blog for recording our own personal history, I want to blog to continue healing and growing.

Big News

No, I'm not expecting. I do have a new addition in my near future though.

I've been a photographer for a very long time. A film photographer in high school, a digital photographer when my children were born.

And then, photography saved me.

After we lost the girls and life went on around me, I was in a very, very dark place. I recently described it as feeling as if I had fallen into a well, with slick sides that I just couldn't pull myself out of. I knew that I had to, I simply had to get up and keep going but I didn't quite know how. On those days, I just took out my camera, knowing that with life being so overwhelming, I could find beauty in a photograph. I knew that I could head out with my camera and find something to take a photo of. Then I would take that photo home and purposefully find something beautiful about it.

It was so elemental and organic. The moment was magically stopped for me and I could digest it and pour over it until that little section of life made sense to me again. And the next day I would get out of bed and have at it all over again. It kept me going.

And here's where that journey has taken me in the past year.

To the sidelines of Boise State football games, shooting for a local magazine. Sure, I did it for free this year, but the networking has been amazing and hopefully will translate into a paying job next season.



To a place where I'm more confident in my photography.



To where I am now - ready to start accepting portrait clients!



It is going to be a very slow process (as if it hasn't been already), but I wanted to get to a point where I was consistently turning out images that I was very proud of and that didn't rely on Photoshop.

I'm going to be spending the next couple of months building my portfolio (and still not making money), but I'm so proud of where I'm at.

Happy Birthday Hudson

My Sunshine Boy,

I am so blessed to be your mommy. There's nothing I love more in this world than your sticky kisses and super hugs. Please be my baby boy forever. You are very, very special.

xoxo

Look at that beautiful header!!!!

Thank you, thank you my friend Rhonda! The gorgeous little header was a wonderful surprise and I couldn't love it anymore than I do. Red just makes me SO happy!

xoxoxo

My Baby Girls....

It's been one year since you left us, and I miss you.


Photo from my friend Christina, who so generously offered to trek to the beach for me.

Be Mine?

We're rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of the day we lost our baby girls. So very sad.

In order to cheer my spirits, I decided to tackle a Valentine's Day themed photo shoot with the kids.

Even though they are rapidly growing tired of being my guinea pigs, they were very patronizing.

The Explorer

Today we had to head down to the Boise State bookstore to grab another textbook for Scott and because she had irritated absolutely everyone in the house, it was unanimously voted by her siblings that Emmeline would be coming with us.

She insisted on bringing her telescope. You can imagine the awesomeness of a toilet paper roll on a college campus, right?

I ♥ Faces {Texture}

Smooth is definitely a texture, right? Can you see the faces? Head over to I Heart Faces to see more.

Reindeer Shirts Galore!

When I was a teenager, my mom started a yearly tradition of having all 5 of her sibling's children over to do Christmas Crafts. It was always a day that my younger cousins looked forward to, and even now as adults, they still remember fondly.

Now that I'm an aunt, I want to make those types of memories for my niece and nephews. About 2 months ago, I saw the cutest ever reindeer shirt on a blog. I desperately wish that I could remember whose idea it was because I would love to give them credit, but my mind is like a sieve. If you know where this idea originated, leave me a comment so that I can link up to the original.

This is what we accomplished with some brown scrap fabric and some $2 shirts from WalMart today:



I wish that my impromptu photography session had gone as easily as the shirts did, but that's what happens when you single handedly try to photograph 9 children - 8 of whom are 10 and under. I really could have used another adult!

Here's a better view of the shirt on my ever ready to strike a pose Emmeline:



Thanks for the fun Nathan, Allie, Pierson and Jackson! Your Aunt Criss loves you very much.

xoxo

M.I.A.

My poor neglected blog and my poor neglected blogging friends...

I am ashamed of my bad self.

Somewhere between August and December, life got a little bit out of hand. First there was the chaos of going back to school full-time, teaching school for the kids full-time and trying to manage a large family on unemployment full-time. Notice those are three full-time jobs.

Somewhere between October and November I had a bit of a breakdown because everything had become overwhelming. I was succeeding very well in school, but I was desperately failing in the most important areas of life.

The kids were beginning to resemble a pack of wild dogs because oftentimes they were left to fend for themselves, under the direction of our 14 year old. The times that they had me home, I was demanding - their attention to their schoolwork (which I was cramming in), their cooperation with tending their siblings while I was gone, their help with neglected chores, needing them to entertain themselves so that I could finish homework from school.

My poor husband was frustrated and running on empty because his responsibilities took him from a very early morning part-time job, to full-time school, to homeschool, to running a home and a family. I once thought to myself that we needed an extra wife and mother around here...

And then I realized that in my desperation to fill my broken heart with something, I turned away from the ones who were already there. It was time for some serious reflection.

Which brings us to December. And here I am, blogging for ME, because it helps me to sort things out - to objectively look at my circumstances. I feel like I have actually hit emotional rock bottom. It is so hard to raise a family on unemployment - I am smiling as I say this to keep a good attitude, but it's just plain hard. It is so difficult to face the holidays not having any idea how I am going to put presents under the tree. It is so difficult to feel as if I've failed my children.

I think I've made peace with some things... I have to continue school because we are relying on the student health insurance instead of overpriced COBRA, but next semester I've resolved to take only online classes. I want to continue with homeschooling the 4 school age kids because I have felt strongly that it's the right thing to do. I need to be more prepared to support my Scott because he carries even more than I do.

So that's where I've been! Can you just feel it now?

But, it hasn't all been terrible. I have so many fun and wonderful stories and photos to share with you. How we're friends with Boise State football players who come to our house to play, how we suffered the first stitches in my long and distinguished mothering career, how I've become a published photographer, how amazing homeschooling has been, how much I love my family, how we went to Salt Lake City and had our SUV break down with no idea how we were going to get back home - just typical Crissie adventures.

I'll share those soon. xoxo

I ♥ Faces, uh I mean - Tooshies!

They're changing things up over at "I ♥ Faces" this week and decided to do something totally out of the box and feature TOOSHIES! It was too fun to pass up.

Our five year old Hudson last spring:



Now go here to marvel at the creativity of some wonderful photogs.

I ♥ Faces - Bubbles

Corban and Hudson sneaking in a bit of bubble time at our park before a summer thunderstorm hit. I can't tell if Hudson is more impressed with brother's bubbles or the approaching storm.




Now hurry on over to I ♥ Faces and check out all of the other fabulous entries!

*Thank you in advance for your comments. I try to return every single one.*

xoxoxoxo