We Picture {This} - Reflection

One more photography contest before school consumes me! I'm hoping to still find time to participate with some of my favorite blogs, but as a full-time student and mother of five, there's just no telling how that will turn out.

I received a sweet comment about one of my bubble photos from Jen (thank you!!!), who directed me to a really great blog, We Picture {This}, where the theme this month just happens to be reflections!



I have two reflection photos that are near and dear to my heart... The first (and Jen's favorite) is a unique bubble photo that my Corban found quite by accident, experimenting with bubbles down by our pond. He noticed that he could blow a bubble into the water and it suspended there in the water for a few seconds - long enough for him to see a really crisp reflection of himself. I was a little apprehensive about whether or not it would capture well in the camera, but I was really pleased to be able to show him this:



The second is a photo of all of my kiddos during our getaway to Cannon Beach, Oregon. I love this shot because it was a really difficult time for our family. We had just lost our twin girls during pregnancy the month before and two weeks before this photo, my husband lost his job of 14 years. This was a major fork in the road of life for us. I love how there is a storm all around the kids, but they are happy together, enjoying each other and just having fun. It means so much to me emotionally. I love how engrossed they are in their reflections, all except for Sara Jane, who is my perpetual camera girl.

I ♥ Faces - Bubbles

Corban and Hudson sneaking in a bit of bubble time at our park before a summer thunderstorm hit. I can't tell if Hudson is more impressed with brother's bubbles or the approaching storm.




Now hurry on over to I ♥ Faces and check out all of the other fabulous entries!

*Thank you in advance for your comments. I try to return every single one.*

xoxoxoxo

Tuesdays Unwrapped

Giving way to my preconceived notions of perfection and instead trusting in the creativity of a child.



With an upcoming "bubbles" photography challenge, my mind has been busy thinking about what I wanted to accomplish that would be different from other entries and the other night, I took the kids down to our park to do some initial experimentation.

Needless to say, something about having fun with bubbles and mom telling you exactly how to blow a perfect bubble for her photography don't go hand in hand in a child's mind. (What was I thinking??)

So my conception of creative gave way to some kids who really just wanted to have fun and discover on their own and I relented. Corban worked his way over to the pond where he could watch himself blowing the bubbles in the reflection of the water.



And he soon yelled with excitement, "LOOK MOM! The bubble stops in the water and I can SEE myself in the bubble!". How is that for creative?



No, I haven't given up on my creative idea (I'm not entirely reformed). We just need a thunderstorm free evening to accomplish it. I am certainly glad, however, that I threw in the towel the other night and just had fun experimenting with Corban.

I ♥ Faces - My Story In Photos: summer edition

The summer of 2009 went something like this...

The kids would tell you that I drug them all over town and abused them as guinea pigs to practice my photography skills in hopes of one day growing up to become a REAL photographer. We discovered all kinds of new places, like a local wheatfield, a cool sculpture on the college campus, an abandoned barn and a pond in our subdivision. They now all groan if we're out for a drive and I screech to my husband that we need to pull over so that I can investigate an interesting spot.










Corban and Hudson played t-ball on the same team, to varying degrees of success.






We toured Bronco Stadium and the kids even got to play on our beloved blue turf!


We tried to find ways to stay cool.



We enjoyed free minor league baseball games and cheap cotton candy (an unexpected benefit of umemployment).


We ate plenty of chocolate chip cookies and created lots of treasured artworks (sometimes simultaniously - that takes skill).



We celebrated our country:


Now head on over to I ♥ Faces and tell me how you spent your summer!

IT'S HOT!

What else is there to do but play in the sprinklers?

Unbelievably Generous

Remember the Madsen bike that I not so attractively coveted for most of the summer? We won't even go into the ugly cry that resulted when I didn't win their contest, even though so many of you clicked your little fingers off linking to their website for me. The ensuing meltdown was not one of my better moments, but it wasn't actually about the bike... It was just letting off some really raw emotions that had been building for most of 2009. Between the loss of our main income and the loss of our twins, let's face it -this year has been a little bit stinky.

Yes - the bike is super cool and as Emmie would say "beautiful AND awesome", but I wanted it for practical reasons too. Scott and I are both going back to school full-time in a couple of weeks and we have some little ones to be dragging around campus and exchanging between classes. Have you seen college campus parking my friends? They'd never make it if they had to walk. Of course we have a bike trailer, but navigating that through a packed campus would be disasterous. The Madsen bike seemed to solve that problem by enabling us to fit 4 kids and books into the great little bucket built onto the bike frame but the price tag is so far out of the budget of an unemployed family that I knew winning their contest was my only hope for getting one for school.

After the big meltdown my dear, sweet, thoughtful friends from Fabulessly Frugal did something unimaginable... In addition to being the sole reason that we can survive on unemployment (thanks to their couponing strategies, my grocery budget is at $600 a month for 7 people) they decided to do something incredible. They cleaned their closets, their garages, their neighbor's garages and worked hours and hours and more hours in the sweltering heat to put on their first ever "Pay It Forward" garage sale. They baked cookies, priced garage sale items, set up tables and worked incredibly hard for days to put on a successful benefit sale.

And they did all of that for me.

Not because my family is necessarily needy - we have been able to keep our comfortable home despite having no full-time job, but simply because they wanted to do something NICE for a friend who has had a difficult year.

My heart has been warmed, my wild smile hasn't left my face since the garage sale yesterday. Guess what this crazy family is going to be pedaling around the college campus is a few weeks?



Except for that mine is going to be black at the request of my sweet husband, who didn't really want to be pedaling the powder blue bike across Boise State when we switch off child care duties. Although beautiful, he didn't think the pale blue was particularly manly.

But get this... The yard sale so far exceeded their expectations that my FAB friends are going to be able to send off an incredible donation to a local family whose father had been diagnosed with cancer and who needs to travel for further treatment. Now that is a worthy family.

Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am truly blessed to call you my friends.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

PS - Scott wants to know if you'd be offended if he paints flames on the bucket? ;)

Bubble Fun

Yesterday we went down to our park to bounce around a few ideas for an upcoming photography challenge. A couple of successes, a couple of failures (time to read up on ISO for sure), but this was one of my favorites from our trial run:

This was Corban's idea... Aren't kids brilliant? He blew some bubbles into the pond and come to find out, they held perfectly still in the water for a few seconds, enabling me to catch our crisp reflection.

We had such a great time that we're headed back tonight.

Tuesday Treasures...

In a more concerted effort to be grateful for my many blessings, I have decided to take Tuesdays to blog about something that I treasure, whether it is something temporal (remember last week I posted about my special things I've collected on my mantle?) or something this week, that is not something necessarily tangible.

The dog days of July find me feeling gratitude for our central air conditioning. Growing up in Southern CA, we didn't have central air in our 1960's home. We have, however, had it in every single home I've lived in since coming to the land of the potato. I am a girl who has now grown accustomed to climate control, to the point of becoming irritable when the house is not a perfect 68 degrees year round. Man - I am soft.

Which leads me in a round about way to my Tuesday Treasure. The air conditioning has been having a difficult time keeping up with the 100 degree plus weather and apparently I've been griping. Upon investigation, Scott determined that he thinks the vent from the constantly running dryer empties out too close to the air conditioning unit so he took it upon himself to alleviate the problem:



Oh yeah. He did it. He rigged up a clothesline in my backyard. I am now certain that the neighbors love us. Thankfully he only strung out kid's undies and not mine. We're not going to discuss that one.

However, I treasure this guy, who does probably 75% of the family laundry AND cares enough about me to want me to be comfortable. I don't know if I tell him as often as I should, but he is my biggest treasure.

I Heart Faces - At the Beach

For those who know me, deciding to play along with this weeks I Heart Faces challenge was a no-brainer!

There is no place I'd rather be than sitting by the ocean with my family.

This photo was taken during our vacation to the Oregon Coast, specifically Cannon Beach. In true Oregon fashion, it was cold and rainy, but we managed to grab a few moments between the rain showers to capture the memory. This is especially poignant to me because it was taken about a month after we lost the girls and I love that there's a storm all around the kids, but they are so truly beautiful and bright in spite of it. Isn't that life, my friends? This trip taught me to breathe again.



FAQ from my I Heart Faces friends: Yes, those kiddos are all mine! lol! (Emmeline - 3, Sara Jane - 9, Austin - 13, Hudson - 4 and Corban - 5).

Because this was actually our first time to attempt the jump shot, they were very cooperative because it was new to them. I totally *borrowed* the jumping from Alyssa (Resolved2Worship) and while we were staying in Seaside, I "Googled" local photographers because I figured they would know where the best locations were and hoped that I would be able to glean something from their websites. I noticed many of them had shots from Cannon Beach, so we drove the little beach town until I found the perfect location. The tides there are very unique, with an occasional wave that pushes at least 20 feet past the regular tideline. That's what makes the reflection shot possible without the kids actually getting wet. :)

With Scott having just been laid off, I knew we weren't going to be heading back to the ocean anytime soon, so I really tried hard to get the best possible photo for my living room (including packing those pettiskirts into an SUV full of 7 people for an 11 hour drive - Scott was less than thrilled). I set my camera on continous shutter and literally took probably 120 jumping shots. The kids were cold and the weather was close to a nightmare, but it all sort of worked out. Of that many shots, about 3 were acceptable and this one was magical because I could never get that type of symmetry again if I tried! I also like that all of the kids with the exception of Sara Jane are totally engrossed in their reflections or in the jump. It's posed, but random, and that's what is fun to me. Thank you all so much for your sweet comments - they've made my week.

Be sure to swing by I Heart Faces and enjoy all of the beach photos! I know I'm carving out some time to do just that.

**Update - it's Wednesday and I am almost to Mr Linky #200!! If you leave me a comment, I'll be sure to reciprocate - it just takes me a few. I really try to view each photo submitted because there is so much to learn from each of you!**

xoxoxoxox

My Fellow Broncos Devotees...

xoxoxoxox

Pretty, Pretty Please

Have a box or a bag you've been meaning to drop off for charity or looking to clean out some closets before the kids head back to school?

Please consider donating these items to the Fabulessly Frugal "Pay It Forward" garage sale.

These fab women have banded together to organize this event to benefit members of our community who have hit difficult financial times, including my family. I am so blessed to call them friends.



They have several local drop off locations and I know that Scott and I will be making pick-up runs for those who want to donate but can't get to a drop off site. Send me an email and I'll happily pick up your items.

Just had your own garage sale and you're all de-junked for the year? Come by the garage sale on August 1st and feed your sweet tooth with their bake sale or pick up a few raffle tickets for some FABULESS items.

I'd love to see this garage sale benefit as many families as possible because we personally know so many people who have been affected by layoffs. Please consider donating!

xoxoxoxox

When I'm Still...

My Heavenly Father speaks to me.

When my mind is not crowded with the "Why me, why them", I can feel a small part of his plan for me.

I have cried, I have begged, I have pleaded to feel our daughters - to find the peace that I found after we said goodbye too early to our baby Tanner.

I have been frustrated, I have been lost, I have been crazed.

Because I love so deeply and without reservation. From the moment they become my reality, I love them.

And so I cried unto the Lord... "Why did you need them more than I need them?", over and over again.

And I finally listened.

Because the grief and pain of giving back a child whose voice I had heard, whose touch I knew, whose smiles make my heart spin would have killed me.

Of course I wish that I had known these things about our twins, of course I will wonder for the rest of my life who they would have been, but I won't be haunted daily by hearing their voices and feeling their touch.

And that is merciful.

Tuesday Treasures...

In a concerted effort to be more grateful, I have decided to share with you my Tuesday Treasures. What constitutes a Tuesday Treasure? Something that I live with and love, but sometimes fail to acknowledge as beautiful or a blessing...

A Tuesday Treasure doesn't have to be expensive, elaborate or exciting - only something that makes life a little richer.

I hope you'll share your Tuesday Treasures with me as well. Leave me your link in my comments.

Tuesday Treasure - the agapanthus plant that was picked up on clearance at Lowe's. I never buy exotics because up here in the north, they are an exotic annual and normally an overpriced annual at that. However, for $1.50, it's a wonderful summer reminder of home. The purple blooms that were always taken for granted when I lived in Southern CA bring a smile to my face each time I see them. Definitely a treasure.



Tuesday Treasure - my fireplace mantle. A smorgasboard of treasures... The beautiful print that my husband bought for our anniversary, books that belonged to my grandma's mother, my grandma's crystal candy dish, a sunflower from my dad that has been blooming for a week, an oil lamp my dearest friend brought back from Jerusalem, a Disneyland silhouette cutting of my children AND a Boise State Mr. Potato Head from my other dearest friend - brought to me to bring a smile to my face after the twins left us. I am comfortable enough in my own skin to live with these treasures all together on my mantle. Conventional? Nope, but I love them. Keeping it real with the dog bed and the baskets full of Wii gear next to the fireplace. :) I treasure those things too, so I suppose they're ok.





Now GO! Show me your Tuesday Treasures... xoxoxoxo

My Friends...

Thank you, my sweet blogging friends. When I wrote a few days ago, it was just really one of those times that things just boil over.

I made a decision when we lost the girls that I wanted to be a "concious" blogger. I mainly write the blog for my sweet kids, but I've met some wonderful, dear friends through blogging and I felt I would be doing everyone a disservice by putting on my perfect face when I write. The very last thing I would want is to be anything less than authentic for you and for my children. Women, in particular, are hard enough on ourselves without believing that everyone you come across in a blog is somehow perfect.

However, most aspects of my life ARE truly perfect, most days I have plenty of faith to get through. I have a really wonderful husband who takes really great care of me. He does dishes, he helps with the laundry, he makes me laugh and sing and astonishes me with how far he will go to make me happy. He also snores and occasionally loses his temper and drops some swear words here and there. THAT'S LIFE. And it's beautiful.

The sweet children I have been blessed to raise are amazing. I don't know what was funny, interesting, motivating or worthwhile before them. I'm sure there were things, but I can't even imagine what they must have been. My first thought in the morning is of them and my last thought at night is the same. Did I do enough today to show them that I adore them? But keeping it real - they frustrate the HECK out of me sometimes. Emmeline is over-indulged and cries, quite a bit actually. Hudson is normally covered in dirt, leftover food and something sticky... Around the clock. Corban is a perfectionist and has trouble handling himself when someone doesn't live up to his expectations and he can be VERY stubborn. Sara Jane is hitting the moody pre-teen age headfirst (you should see this girl pitch one) and Austin is a full blown teenager who is pretty sure that we have to be the two lamest parents he's ever known.

That's just keeping it real.

I made a concious decision many years ago that I wanted to be a mother who knows that just because it's not perfect doesn't mean it's not beautiful. Again, my thoughts turn to Hudson, who is never clean. My parents used to give me a hard time for Hudson's perenially messy face... Until they cared for him at their house for a day. When I picked him up, they relented "We washed that kid's face ALL DAY and he was STILL DIRTY!". Hudman plays hard, eats hard and loves hard. He is all out. I've learned though that he doesn't have to be shiny faced to be beautiful to me.

And this is life. Mine hasn't been perfect, but it is beautiful. Sure, Scott is unemployed - but I get to have my very favorite person in the world home to share in adventures with me. He picked up a part time job that normally he never would have accepted (he drives an airport shuttle in the early mornings) and it's a great job! He earns tips and the hours will allow him to finish college. Being unemployed means FREE COLLEGE and the time to actually attend! I don't know how people raise a family, hold down a full time job AND go to school, but I sure do admire those who do. Being unemployed means that we have the opportunity to get free prescriptions from the drug companies. Corban and I both have severe asthma that has required many hospitalizations and two intubations between the two of us. The prescription cost is astronomical. Our doctor is kind enough to know our family situation and he helped us to fill out all of the required paperwork so that the hundreds of dollars a month spent on prescriptions is no longer a worry. What a blessing!

Yep - we're pretty much poor. It's not nearly as fun as being able to run out and buy whatever my heart desires, but I have learned from some really great bloggers how to shop with coupons (and LOVE IT) and for the first time in my life, I have food storage. I can't tell you what a blessing it is to know that I have enough food to feed the family for a few months if suddenly we had to go with nothing. My kids are thrilled to eat all of the name brand goodies that we never bought before and I'm able to do it all on very little money. I have learned that the kids are genuinely as happy with their yard sale or thrift shop clothes as they ever were with the giant bags of Gymboree. I have been freed from the financial beast! That never would have happened if we hadn't lost our income.

And the big one... Yes, I have given up three babies way too early. I don't have a whole lot that is good to say about that one - I wanted each one of these sweet ones so badly, Tanner and the girls, Mollie and Marie. I was so thrilled about the twins, it's just a hard dream to give up. I miss them every single day. You all know the truth now - somedays I'm angry and desperately hurt and somedays my faith is stronger and I trust in the Lord, even though it hurts. I know with all my heart that these babies are choice little spirits who didn't have to face the trials of the world and that being chosen to bring them into our families is a blessing. A lifetime of waiting for them is just difficult. There's really no way to get around that one, no matter how you choose to look at it. Losing babies stinks.

But, my dear friends, I am thankful that I didn't win that darn Madsen bike!!!!! How 'bout that one? Winning it would have been awesome, but I would have walked away from that feeling like I was just lucky. Instead, I have been blessed beyond belief to receive the sweetest gift EVER - the love of my blog friends. I sat down last night to go through my reader and catch up on a few blogs before going to bed and imagine my surprise when I saw that my favorite blog is holding a garage sale to purchase my bike. Can you believe that?!?!?!?! In addition, they are donating their proceeds to other families in need, families like mine who are getting by in tough times but could use a little pick-me-up.

So, please, please please, if you are a local friend who might have some things in your garage to donate, send me an email and we'll come by to pick it up and take it to the garage sale site. If you know of someone in need, get in touch with me and we'll arrange for them to contact the garage sale organizers so that they too might benefit from this incredible generosity.

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments. I didn't anticipate them when I wrote - I just had to get those things off my chest. I cry when I read the post, it certainly was a tough one... Then I smile when I read your comments. Thank you for taking me just the way I am - mostly imperfect, grateful, hurt and happy. I wish I could give each of you a hug.

xoxoxoxoxo

Feed Your Soul

I felt inspired to share a message that touches me deeply, not only the first time I heard it, but each time I stop to listen to it again. Even if you're not of my faith, I think this message resonates to each of us as women (and you too Dad - your creativity just includes nailing the heck out of something).

Before you push play, you probably want to scroll all the way down to the bottom of this page and push the pause button on the music player... Or not. Your choice. :)

Fabulessly Frugal: IMPACT PEST CONTROL - Giveaway!

Fabulessly Frugal: IMPACT PEST CONTROL - Giveaway!

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Today

Was a day to eat warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cold milk (and not worry about cleaning our faces) and color and paint to our heart's content, all under the watchful eye of a sunflower from Brumpy's house.









Scott splurged the other day and bought the coolest Crayola art kit I think I've ever seen. All neatly housed in a wooden briefcase are all of the colors that a kid could possibly crave in all sorts of different mediums. Watercolors, crayons, colored pencils, markers big and small, oil pastels and then more markers. The kids feel so special to sit down and use such great art supplies.

True Story...

Am I the only one who needs a good laugh?

In a hurry the other day Scott stuck Em in the shower with him, where she promptly attacked his chest with a small pair of scissors that are kept in the shower for cutting out particularly stubborn rubberbands.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?????? Don't cut Daddy's chest hairs!!!"

To which she replied, "HOLD STILL DAD! I make you AWESOME!".

Since then, she's been wandering the house inspecting everyone else's chest, checking for hair and then proclaiming her Dad's grossness.

Somebody Slap Me... Really.

I actually had a breakdown tonight when I didn't win the Madsen Cycle contest... It bordered on throwing a fit, to be perfectly honest. I literally went and threw myself down on my bed and cried over it. I guess I figured that my luck was going to change with that awesome bike giveaway, after all - this has really been a crummy year so far.

Riches of My Soul? This is more the deepest part of my soul - the part that has become bored with being strong, cheerful in the face of trials, optimistic and grateful and wants to go back to last fall, before babies died and hopes were dashed and jobs were lost and plans fell apart.

This is the part of Crissie that I've been struggling with...

I am angry that our twins died. There... I said it. I am angry that this is something that I will carry for the rest of my life - the incredible joy of expecting twins and the bitter sorrow that has blotted out the joy there once was. I am angry that we had to give up our second baby so long ago - I am angry that I don't have hope that this grief will ever go away. I am angry that I know from losing our Tanner that the pain of losing a baby just slowly becomes a part of who you are instead of naively believing that it will get better. I know better... I am angry that I will forever be a mother of loss, one son and two daughters who were given to me long enough to learn to grieve for a lifetime.

How do I reconcile that ugly anger with the gratitude I feel for my sweet, beautiful living children? Much more than so many people are given?

I don't... I punish myself for my ingratitude, I question my faith, my devotion, my sanity. How can I feel so hurt when I know people who grieve for the chance to have A child?

I am frustrated to live on such a tight budget. The money that is leftover from the mortgage, utilities, food and car payment is actually in the double digits each month. That goes to gas. I'm frustrated with that... I enjoy money - I'm tired of self discipline and denial and feeling compelled to try to enjoy forced frugality. I really do enjoy nice purses, eating out, buying shoes and dressing the girls to the nines.

How do I reconcile that with thankfulness for our mortgage loan modification, grants to go to school, the medication that Corban needs each month, enough money to get by and most generally being easily amused?

I don't... I feel ungrateful, prideful, selfish and wasteful. I feel shame for focusing on the things that we don't have anymore instead of the things that we do - a future together, education, a good marriage, beautiful children, a modest house payment and unemployment checks while Scott finishes school.

I am disappointed in my inability to interact with people anymore... I think I must feel some shame about my grief. Scott handled things for me for so many weeks and months that I've lost the skills that I once had. It used to be easy for me to be confident, stand in front of many people and teach lessons in Church, start a decent conversation with most anyone - my friends would joke about it. It's not even that I WANT to mingle with people now, it's too painful. I am ashamed of it though. I get angry that everyone's life hasn't stopped because my girls are gone, I get angry when people complain about the trials of pregnancy and newborns, my chest literally tightens up when I hear a baby cry. Yep - I'm jealous, all you WalMart shoppers who blissfully push your perfect babies around. I don't want to see pictures of your babies, I don't want to talk about your babies, I'm not quite capable of celebrating your babies. Wow. I said that too. That was a big one.

How do I reconcile that with wanting to be a good friend, a good neighbor? I don't. I beat myself up for my failings... The phone calls I avoid because I'm sure I'll cry, the plans that I break because I am suddenly overwhelmed by my own overblown expectations - pushing things off because it's one more thing I can't fail at and still go on... In my grief, I am somehow personally responsible for allowing three babies to die - I can't possibly disappoint one more person.

So I don't. I stay here, with my family, where they know I cry at will and have no choice but to live with it. Oh sure - I email you. That's because I can email you and self-edit and you'll never see my weaknesses because I am completely in control of the delete button.

How is this all related to the darn Madsen bike, you ask? Because for about 30 seconds I was actually JEALOUS of the girl who won... A beautiful, amazing, strong mother of 4 who has been terribly burned as the result of a near fatal plane crash. I was jealous. Who does that kind of thing?

Me.

And me, it's time for a reality check. Everyone has struggles, every life knows some sunshine and some rain. If it weren't for the pain, we wouldn't know joy.

After my dad reads this, he will call and say that I come from better stock, and he's right. Dad - don't freak out. Writing is cathartic. Just consider the Madsen Bike incident a wake up call. I still can't quite say that I'm happy I didn't win though... This hasn't been a mighty change of heart... Yet.

On to Basketball

T-ball season has passed and much to my Dad's excitement, basketball season has begun again.

Dad has coached numerous community teams for Austin and has now turned his coaching efforts to the younger set, specifically Corban and Hudson.

Corban played on his first basketball team in early spring and Hudson was age-eligible to play on the same team this summer.

I'm afraid that Dad is going to be disappointed with Hudson's commitment level, as was evidenced at their first practice last night. The Hudman doesn't appear to be too excited about running a pick ONE MORE TIME.

"Stand SHOULDER TO SHOULDER, Hudson... Hudson, are you listening to me??"

I'm afraid you're going to have to resort to bribing, Brumpy. Try candy - it always works for me and his dad.